There are times, like on this rainy day, that I feel so very alone. I know that God has me, I know he’s on the throne and in control, but that doesn’t always make me feel better, in the moment.
I never expected to be my age, single and alone. I’m a people person and I’m in an industry where I get to help people all the time. But during my slow season when all there is to do is basically beg folks turning 65 to give me a chance to help them, I struggle with the solitude.
I was in the corporate world for so long, and even when I hated the limitations of the job, I loved most of the folks I worked with and miss that ability to connect with people daily. I have NO intention of changing what I do – but there are days it’s very hard.
I recently came across a stack of my poetry. This poem, I’m about to share, points to what I can only assume has been a lifelong problem. Perpetually looking for someone to fill my heart. Perhaps I need to do that on my own, though if I’m honest I don’t really know how.
You know your life is over, when the phone no longer rings.
When an orange sun setting in a lavender sky no longer makes your heart sing.
When even the sight of two lovers wrapped in a fond embrace
Makes you cringe and change the channel in an all too angry haste.
The chorus of a love song, falls upon deaf ears
The only thing that keeps you warm is the warmth of all your fears.
Lonely tears fall from your eyes, like a rain storm in the dead of summer
The sound of your sobs echo in your ears like a storm’s pounding thunder.
My hopes and dreams have led this poor heart down a rocky path.
It’s been knocked around and beaten and left without a breath.
I feel like something’s dying, something way down deep inside
‘Cause all I want to do is run away and hide.
I grasp at straws, for something to hold onto, something to believe.
But all I end up seeing are the backs of people’s heads as they leave.
People only care about themselves, “What can you do for ME!?!?
So I give and let people take until I’m as empty as a worn out winter tree.
I thought one day I would find someone that could fill me up and make me whole,
I thought surely if I looked hard enough I would find that kindred soul.
I’ve looked high and low and it doesn’t seem to want to be found,
So I walk off into the night, and no one will notice for I never make a sound.
me 09/23/1994
Some of these words are truer today then ever, but I KNOW that I have to complete myself because no one else can do that – or can they? On the internet you see people saying “you have to make yourself happy before you can be with anyone else,” but I guess I’m old fashioned because I still believe that finding that “true love” is what completes you. There’s so much information we have these days I often wonder if it’s TOO much. It can all get so very confusing.