So all the “self love” etc. in the internet sphere says “if you want someone else to love you, love yourself. Take yourself out, do the things you want someone else to do for you, for yourself.
So in an effort to love myself more I took myself for a treat day yesterday. I got a mani-pedi, then went shopping to spend some “Torrid” cash I’d been gifted from the company (who knows why), then took myself to a movie and out for a drink.
Do I “feel” better after having done all this, meh….not really. I almost always feel guilty for spending money on things like manicures/pedicures. Buying clothes is becoming a necessity because I’ve lost a good bit of weight and I hadn’t bought myself clothes really while I was with my ex. Everything was always focused on him.
I enjoyed the movie, but going to the movies alone has begun to be pretty standard for me. The theatres are often empty and I like seeing some epic films on a big screen where they belong but I begrudgingly give Hollywood my money. The karaoke bar I went to, which I used to go to many many moons ago, felt very foreign to me. Not warm like I felt when I used to go before 2000, before I married the first time. I felt very much like an outsider. I may try somewhere else. I dunno – maybe I just have to meet some folks.
All in all it was a good day, I’m grateful for having the ability to do these things, just don’t love doing them alone. I’m horribly independent, but there is a decided difference to being alone and feeling lonely. I felt very lonely in both my marriages. I honestly don’t want to be lonely any more, but I’d MUCH rather be lonely then abused.
So I continue on my journey…..